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Four Weddings and a Urinal

This weekend I spent in Margarita to celebrate the four days of the marriage of my friend Sandy Lane. If we think, a bridal soiree Margarita is the same as the movie Mamma Mia . The only difference being that go with Meryl Streep Creole dried hair. In guayabera (but not enguayabado) sit in the church while the priest home to the new couple by the rite express, "Good, in the name of the Father, do you want it to her? Do you you want him? Kiss photo with the priest, chao. Bring in the Caracas sifrina próoooxima who came to the island to get married! ". It has to be it. I have not seen the first priest to do a mass cut by 'calol "of the tropics.

In defense of the Vatican, this priest has given the first words that I have stuck in a mass. Already in the last part when the couple are out, the priest away from the apocalyptic message: "Only Christians throw to conceive" and offers a very good metaphor about love and religion. He explains that when God made Eve, he took from Adam's rib, which protects the heart. That has made the hearts flutter like crazy men. "The heart the man told the priest to the groom-only rest when it encounters the rib he took God to create his wife. " If the father Paul, more than a wanton a veil had been assembled there and run to the altar.

Back in the bunch of Pagans, suffer an experience that left me quietly wondering what I am. I explain my routine partying. Champañita am a courtesy at the entrance and then quieted me in the corner where my role Funj bar that grooms-to invite us right? - With my sips of whiskey a very kindly landlady is responsible for bringing me . Like all humans know, the drinks bring two things to the table: verbal incontinence about how some people dance and desire to pee.

on my desk I ask permission to get up and ask my landlady kind to tell me where is the bathroom of the house of feasting. Having reached this house was complicated. I do not expect less of the location of the bathroom. You see, the house where I am is very good for a party but to the detriment of that to get to it you have to drive by several dirt roads without signs. The address of the card it has been said: "When you say:" I do not know where the hell am I ", turn right. There is. " The bathroom, in support of my bladder, has a location so complex.

I enter the men's room. I look askance at the mirror as we usually do not see self-centered and turn toward the urinals. Looking at the ceiling because it has a postgraduate, I open my fly and ... "Hell, this tract is very high!" General "explanation for the female audience, the urinal starts at the chest and down to a little less knees. One gets there, doing his thing, shake it, shake it , and leaves.

I measure 1.70. I admit, I was always the youngest in my class even when the top of my house. There 'down' I have no problems, if I understand. But I have this urinal to a height where I have to stand on tiptoe and try to make a geyser to make my physiological role. I know the janitors complained that stain the floor but a lady, lend me the tobo to mount so you can not!

Achievement

my feat - no splashing - and go. Feeling discriminated against by the architect, engineer and builder that surely are three meters and it seemed logical to put a urinal to match. But I'm not alone. As the evening progresses, the conversation between men is, "Pana, the urinal is as difficult, no?". That made me happy. I may be an Oompa Loompa but at least I'm not the only one with the problem. Women may complain to sit on the throne that community but we are men in trouble if you send us a leak in the loft .-

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Piropos Jegny Chimbos as

Remember me friend Jegny Carolina? She was the main cheerleader Pastor tiles while studying at the Liceo Good Shepherd. He now lives in London where he is after the game to keep a boyfriend. Jegny or crazy is returned to Venezuela. We have offered to Miss Alba Caracas and said no.

Keidar, her boyfriend high school sent him a text message to see how it went. That thrilled Jegny, something I wrote on Facebook. Or at least I think so. I did not understand the message with the little heart he had. But then he learned that the father of three was Keidar and unfollow be sent with your Twitter. Jegny So the task is taken out by the City of London to see if you get someone to do the little favor.

The problem, writes Jegny me, is that London may be very catira but that he has achieved is pure catfish. "I know that I look different, Totin. No one spends this body, but every compliment that have been made [sic.] Pa ' get up is how to tell what the Queen told the prime minister when asked if he was going to the funeral of Diana: "that is, hello?". I miss my Caracas worth at least the workers were original. Here a soldier but Buckingham says a peep [I have no courage to tell the soldiers Jegny the palace].

Jegny tells me that everything has happened. As I sent a text message to her friend Maricruz, an Englishman stood beside him and said, 'Hey, stop looking on Facebook. Here I am. " Another stared at him for hours in the gym which moved a little Jegny. Only in the end, leaving the exchangers, the type addressed in our Creole. "I love your ass!" 'He said. Jegny was about to hit him with her purse when the man said, "Yes, I only wish that mine was more round, you know."

So life has gone. A waiter who was making eyes asked him if he had seen nothing the movie Ghostbusters. Jegny said yes. The waiter asked for his opinion which Jegny replied that he did not much. In three minutes I had the account from her. "I must say you have a bad taste in movies."

Last Friday ran into one who asked if she was in London. Jegny he said no. The guy said, "You're too pretty to be here." Jegny not react and he walked away. Five minutes later, Maricruz Jegny's best friend came with the same type: "XXX Jeeegny I present to you just imagine me saying it was too good to be here." Jegny not had the heart to ruin the night to Maricruz.

Jegny Luck. Try Harry. If not, go back here we tell you what is yours .-

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Carolina Exit the infeasibility of a Porn Star

Reviewing my list of 100 Things to do before I die, I realize that "out with a porn star 'corresponds to the whims of my late adolescence that a viable target for the future. It is not easy to say this.

Collector - Who does not? - A vast library of pornography, I am of the opinion that all the optical fibers of the Internet inevitably end up Jenna Jameson. Giving up that dream is hard but you must do at some point. To present the possibility of dating a porn star, my life would surely be an ordeal.

Suppose I met my porn star by conventional means. Alondra is called, a stunning catira with the body of Dayana Mendoza. From the moment I declare her boyfriend, the trouble begins. Not me. If she chose me because I treat it well and I am a roller coaster in bed. At least that's what I tell myself. The problem is with you.

If I feel 100% we see pornography, I have to assume that 100% of you have seen my naked Alondra. That triggers the paradox of "If I saw you having sex I can do what they want you." Seeing Alondra have sex every way possible, debauchery randy of their minds think that it can be yours and I'm just a reference Birdbrain, easily replaceable.

That will lead to a beating with some of you in all the places I take Alondra order to protect what is mine. In a restaurant I'll have to give a boost to the host by touch his shirt at the time of placing your daiquiri on the table. Diners at the table next to you have to shout, "What do you see?" Every five minutes. I know a ball if you are sitting with your family. I know what you're thinking because I think the same of him if his wife was just my girlfriend porn exploited.

is sad but I will have to become the bodyguard of Alondra. I have to go with it the confessional, go with the mechanic and even a visit to the gynecologist. If something we know about porn is that every time a woman goes to a doctor, he ends it by putting in four. There will be times in which someone does not say anything inappropriate or asks for an autograph, a whimsical attempt to pull his pants down there. Blows will fall to the routine to protect my Alondrita.

The problem is that the porn-thank Christ, but a tragedy for my relationship with Alondra-does not fade. Wherever you go there Alondra photos or movies, Web pages dedicated solely to it. Even a fan club. You always going to be there. I can take me to the border, change the name of Mary Magdalene and start again. But fame-especially the naked-has a way of penetrating the darkest corners. If the Internet goes to the Amazon, I have no escape. Even in that people of hell I'll have to cover a lark with a burka to go looking for no fuss.

My private conversations with her are not entirely welcome. With a normal girlfriend, I have to refrain from talking madly about football when you want because I know she does not understand much. Alondra ask: "my life how was your day at work?" Is having to calarme a pearl like, "What up! Today I slept with an entire football team to a scene. " Fuck. Accompany her to their place of work will be worse. That not only see the football team to repeat what my Alondrita yours. It will also be the cowboy, the executive, astronaut and teacher who has licked the same pubis that I lick at night.

Alondra

If you get to win a prize, accompanied with pleasure as going to an awards ceremony in the porn industry is like the Oscars but with tits. Yet it is inevitable that his acceptance speech be catastrophic for me, "Rocco Vergadura Thank you for your support in a scene so long. And my boyfriend Toto knife, very pretty I love you my little worm. " The equation is wrong.

I can if I want to keep in captivity Alondra and recreate the most memorable scenes from his films in my Jacuzzi, my cell and my rotating waterbed. But you have to see the effect on the economy and the reality of space. Put a Jacuzzi in my apartment of 50 mts.2 is having to move all my belongings into the hallway. Not that I can ask the concierge to give me the boot of the building to recreate a dungeon full of whips, chains and ponies gym.

is inevitable. Publicly or privately I can keep my girlfriend porn. Has come Time to say goodbye to my dream of Alondra and crossed off the list a hundred things I want to do before I die. Is good for fantasy but real life is a mess. Nobody wants to introduce a woman whose father leaves his family to say, "Hey, I know you from somewhere and not know where." Less, if given by Alondra laugh and reply: "Oh, you catch and hide suegrito!". Alondra Goodbye my queen of porn. I hope you are as happy as in movies .-

UB Magazine - April 2010.

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Murderer Remedy

Aunt Helen, It's godmother Good to Be, is-not-be's favorite aunts. That one of his sons had a problem when he was little holist. The house was Dr. Luis Miguel Raga, our family doctor, who prescribed a remedy to solve the problem gentlemanly. Aunt Helen went to the pharmacy to buy the medicine and began to pass that night, as directed by your doctor, twice a day.

The problem was that whenever he got the spoon to the mouth, the boy came in vomiting. He told Aunt Helen knew the horrible choice, but as every mother graduated Wampole School Emulsion Scott, the aunt insisted on giving it. Four days passed and the situation did not improve. He tried to find common by all means: "Go Miamor", the "airplane" until the format chosen by guerrilla: "do you take it, I said!". Each time, the boy arched when I swallow. Finally she decided to hide when you take your choice but Aunt Helen get it.

One morning, in which there was no improvement of the disease, Aunt Helen gave him the cure for his son and decided to try it. It tasted like thunderbolts. Picked up the phone to call the doctor to explain the situation.

-Luis Miguel, look at that choice but you sent her know horrible.

- How do you know?

"Well I just tested and it is like swallowing a skunk kidney.

-Helen, how many times you're giving the remedy?

- Well, twice a day as me recipes!

-Helen ... the remedy was smeared.

Aunt Helen hung up. The same rang again suddenly. Answered.

Azpúrua

-Lady, this is your child's school.

"Yeah, tell me.

"The child is not feeling well. Vomited four times already and says he does not feel right arm.

- Do not you feel an arm?

Lesson for all mothers of Venezuela: read your doctor's instructions.

Note cheesy, the boy survived.

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The "After School Special" on Mother's Day

cable television in my house is all open channels. My parents are the kind of people who have no idea how to turn on the DVD, so those parental controls to monitor the programming content has never been an issue in my house. Not because there's concern, but they did not know how.

It is Mother's Day. On a visit to Caracas, my parents organized a lunch of those who are a kick to Christmas dinner. The house is full of nephews, all under four years, which infarcted some to my dear mother. We only have a niece / granddaughter of truth, truth which dwarfs the Von Trapp meeting is a lot to her.

decided to gather all watching television channel to bring them some infants. Like any lady of the house, only knows the channel Globovision. The others which have ignored to go through all the channels before arriving at Nickelodeon. Begins to give the remote control and go through all the channels that play music.

Suddenly, you see a girl in a suggestive pose and my mom starts yelling "Ay, ay, no look, no see." That would be the end of a good story. She pressed the button harder to keep going down channels. What we know is that by the grace of the Lord, the remote control batteries die at the same moment in which she passes through the gay channel.

This is the story of how seven infants had their first contact with the homosexual bondage Mother's Day at my house .-

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Kurdish

I record an interview for Channel-I on the guilty pleasures. Had understood that I had to say my guilty pleasure but it was more like a VH-1 format where they were asking me and I answered. I said my truths but I like reggaeton. This happens to me sometimes, I mean the top of the mouth. I do not like reggaeton. Lie, I liked the song perreo intense.

The gusticos guilty pleasure are those that you see when no one sees you. Or do you think nobody is watching. My dad is those people who buy a box of Chiclets Addams, breaking the cellophane and gets a twelve gum. What the hell does with much glucose in the mouth do not know but I like it. Some become hobbies such as women and creams. I like not being a woman for that. I hate cream. I have always broken lips because I hate the chap stick.

These are my top guilty pleasures :

1. Song. I'm addicted to singing. I sing when I wake up, when I bathe, in the car, brushing my teeth. If I see someone else sing, I paste your song and I vary the melody. Voice command notes of songs no matter what may one day be used against me. What hurts me most is that 9 out of 10 of my friends say I sing Malaz. Yo, I want to be the next American Idol, singing badly. But I'm not interested. I am of those people who go with the four windows down, throwing notes to his lungs. The male version of Nina , the dame of solsito (and my editor).
2. The Toronto : I can with them. Venezuela is the best invention there and I think that we should declare heritage for humanity. If anyone wants to see me happy, but I have to give away a bag of these chocolates. If I want to pull ball, I sell by a box.
3. bath: I'm the reason why there is no water in Caracas. I am of those who can not wait for hot water, which is why there are bathrooms in my house that are banned. Where I shower, goes instantly and I can stay there for hours.
4. bloopers on You Tube View : My favorites are the news and marriages. View as a priest drops a wafer within the noble breasts of the bride, and he reaches over to pick it up, is enough for me to sleep happy. I can spend hours on it.
5. browse journals: I am a dame in hairdressing. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than to sleep on a sofa with seventeen magazines beside me. Marketing studies would not know how to qualify: I feel the Esquire, the Hello!, National Geographic, Climax, UB, and Architectural Digest and me all the joy. I bought it online but Vanity Fair is my sanctuary. They have the best portfolio by Annie Leibovitz. And we love Annie Leibovitz.
6. Smoking: A disgrace because it is old fashioned but I really love smoking.
7. sleep in the middle of my bed : I discovered that I will never able to be with a partner the day I realized that I have a preferred side of the bed. Mine is like the Sun King: the mere means. There with four pillows to myself. That being robbed Savannah is a disaster. When I sleep with someone, I'm a case study. I do a niche in a corner and do not move. Unfriendly or unsafe but the truth is that when I'm alone in my sheets Savannah, I am quite happy (note: this obviously changed at some point).
8. Infomercials: Never in my life I've bought something on television but it is entertaining as one can make us all feel we need a particular product. Translations are so ridiculous - "of reprontooo" - which is very difficult for me to change a channel. My favorite so far was an artifact that stung garlic. The ad began: "Attention garlic lovers!" Who the hell is a garlic lover?
9. The Coca Cola: The other day I tweeted the Coca Cola Company of Venezuela to say that I was his fans. Groupie was the moment I've had in my life. When I responded, I slept happy that day. No whiskey I beat up a Coca Cola well served. A lot of ice and a slice of lemon (chopped by Josefa because she says I'm a dull).
10. Twittering : it is sickening how much I love Twitter. In my home are worried. They call me "El Niño key." It is my favorite escape the comment to live such a situation the Oscars, the royal wedding, party or an awards show. That is one of the disadvantages of the blog. By the time I'll write a note on anything today, as I said on Twitter. That's why it's perfect. Stalkeo people as a terrorist, because I like some think that does not necessarily follow. Sometimes it is richer reading a Time Line as a blog waiting to see what was happening to someone else .-